Girl talk topics are small advice articles that I post once every few months about a certain topic that I am passionate about or that was requested.
July 10th, 2020
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things for the human heart to do but yet is still one of the most necessary character strengths we need in order to emotionally survive.
When I was a little girl forgiveness was easy. Having a short attention span gave me the guard I needed around my heart to forget afflictions as easily as they come. I had no knowledge of the mental and spiritual changes that pain was causing me. I had no idea that something that came to me so easily as a child would become such an internal fight as an adult.
As I became older and grew more and more into my identity and emotions, I began to notice the discomfort other’s actions caused me. I began to see clearly the injustices in my life, and all the hurtful things that were done to me by those I loved. My heart went into a panic, unsure of what to do. Conflicted between wanting to move forward and wanting to punish others with my bitterness, anger, and animosity.
As much as we try to persuade our hearts to do the right thing, to stay open, to love, to give... A shift begins to happen. We unconsciously start building walls, convinced we are keeping pain out when in reality we are keeping pain in. We tell ourselves that we are remembering our pain to stay cautious for the future when in reality we just believe that a peaceful future isn't worth letting go of the pain we refuse to forget.
So how do we forgive? -truly forgive in our hearts and not just say the words? How do we force ourselves to want to forgive? Most importantly how do we ensure that pain doesn’t change us?
Forgiveness starts with acceptance and accepting the injustices done to you is no easier than trying to forgive the person that caused you that pain. I used to believe that acceptance made me weak. That accepting people’s wrongdoings towards me was me unconsciously stating that their rude behavior was acceptable and okay but that's not what acceptance means at all.
Accepting your pain is simply just allowing yourself to let go of your past. It's you freeing yourself from the emotional turmoil others have put you through by taking back the control you've allowed others’ actions to have on you.
Acceptance is saying “ these are my wounds, and I am not bound by them.” Acceptance is saying “this happened to me but it doesn't have to control who I become “ Acceptance is such an important part of forgiveness because it frees your heart from wanting to hang on to unhealthy emotions like, anger, hate, and resentment.
We can start accepting our pain by choosing to look at our circumstances differently. Instead of believing that what we go through and the hardships that we face take away from who we are, we can begin to believe that our challenges add to our strength, not the opposite. When people mistreat us, instead of looking at ourselves as victims we can look at ourselves as survivors and when we decide to see ourselves in a powerful way all of our problems lose their power.
So I dare you to open your heart up to forgiveness, to stop fighting acceptance, and to change the way you view your pain. Our hearts are weak sometimes and foolish and trust the wrong people but our minds are strong and full of authority and persistence.
Peace and healing can be yours if you decide that letting go is worth that price. You owe it to yourself to be free from your pain, don’t allow the mistakes of others to trap you in your own emotions. Choose to forgive today.
Last months topics
How to overcome an eating disorder
February 1, 2020
Since I was ten years old I’ve had a love hate relationship with my body. When I was a child I was very average size, I was slim and healthy but the older I got the more weight I gained. In the seventh grade I experienced bullying for the first time in my life and oddly enough it was because of my size. I had never been called fat until then and sadly those hurtful words stuck with me my entire life. Out of shame, eventually I lost the weight but my distorted self image followed me into highschool. It was then I began taking laxatives and vomiting to lose weight.
At the age of sixteen I started doing drugs and by eighteen those drugs had completely transformed my body. I was losing weight rapidly and unintentionally, I was the smallest I had ever been, a whopping 145 pounds. While I was happy with the shedded weight my family began to express concern . They began to grow suspicious of my health and how I was able to obtain such an astonishing weight loss. I had lost so much weight that my collar bones were sticking out of my shoulders, I didn't notice until my mom pointed it out and told me that my weight loss was causing me to look ill. At that point my distorted body image had resurfaced and I began loathing my weight again, this time for being too small. As I recovered from my drug addiction the weight slowly began to return as eating had substituted my need for drugs and became my new stress reliever.
The weight began to return and my family was very pleased, however as the pounds was added I began to become insecure yet again. My eating habits were out of control, not that they were in good control to begin with, but food slowly started to consume my life as it was the only thing I had that somewhat satisfied the need of drugs. I began over eating for multiple reasons, all related to my mental health and as time went on my family began to notice my weight change. My mom would make comments about my overeating every now and again and even went on to call me chubby. That was a trigger word, it wasn't fat but it was close to it. My bulimia return and more fierce than ever. I started back taking laxatives, vomiting, taking diet pills and even attempted to starve myself for days at a time. It got so bad that I started noticing specks of blood in my stool, I knew something was going on with my body and that my harsh weight loss remedies were starting to take their toll on me.
Despite my best efforts to get the weight off, none of my antics work and that pushed me to take the biggest risk of all…to start doing drugs again. I started doing drugs again in hopes that it would help me get the weight off like the first time and that's when I realized that my distorted body image had played into my decision to begin doing drugs in the first place. Because I was bullied and rejected as a kid I grew up thinking that I wasn't good enough, that I was fat and undeserving of love. Those early experiences cause me to slowly develop a self hatred towards myself that played into my lack of caution to give drugs a try. I used drugs as an escape from my problems and even enjoyed the harm it was doing it my body as I was too afraid to cutt myself but needed to inflict pain unto myself to feel relief from living a life of overwhelming insecurity.
It’s interesting really, how our bodies play such a huge part in our confidence, character and influences the decisions we make day by day. Our bodies are our only true home during our time on this planet and that’s why it is so important that we treat them with kindness, compassion, care and love.
Truth is eating disorders are born out of habit and self hatred and as instinctive as they can become there are steps you can take to break them for good. During my journey I tried many antidotes, while trying to kick my eating disorder, these are the steps I took to finally overcome.
1. Acknowledging that I had a problem. As easy as that sounds acknowledging that you have an eating disorder isn’t always as transparent as it sounds. If you are not educated about eating disorders you may not be able to realize that you are suffering from one. You might find you eating habits normal and just. Being aware of your eating disorder better helps you find the treatment and support you need to heal.
2. Loving myself as I am. When I first began recovering from my eating disorder I realized that my negative habits were born out of self hatred, so it only made sense to challenge those insecurities with self love. When I began practicing self acceptance I learned how to become comfortable with my body no matter what weight I was at. Big or small I had compassion for myself and this made it easier to not be tempted to relapse back into my old ways.
3. Appreciating my health enough to make a change. Once I began to see the drastic effects my eating disorder was having on my physical and mental health I started to appreciate good health a whole lot more. Treating our bodies well not only boost our self esteem but it increases our life span and improves our relationships. Nothing is wrong with wanting to lose or gain weight to reach your desired body image but it is a right way to go about reaching those goals. I started eating healthy and working out not only to reach my aspiring weight but to also improve my overall health. Appreciate your health more by achieving the body you want the right way.
4. Reaching out for medical and emotional help. Nothing is wrong with seeking counseling or medical treatment to get your eating disorder under control, in some cases it is necessary. During my journey to recovery I received both medical and emotional help from doctors and therapist because it is almost impossible to heal on your own. Nothing helps you stay motivated to conquer your eating disorder more than having people around you who support you and who can guide you step by step into your healing. It even eases your mental health to know that you don’t have to overcome your sickness alone.
Escaping toxic relationships
*posted April 14, 2019
Love is one tricky bastard and sometimes unfortunately leave us attached and connected to the wrong people. Some of us stay because of fear, others to
Avoid the process of letting go, most because we don’t think we deserve better and a few because that emotional tether is just that strong. Regardless of the excuses you tell yourself to help you cope with your abuse toxic relationships are dangerous and should be escaped from immediately and while most of us victims know that acting on it can be confusing and challenging especially if you don’t know where to start.
In order to escape toxic relationships we must realize that we are not the problem. People who abuse others, were abused. Some learn this behavior from childhood and think it is normal to behave in such a terrible way being that that is all they’ve ever known. Others don’t know how to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. Whatever the case may be their harm towards you is not justifiable and the moment you stop taking responsibility for their actions is the moment you force them to confront their own flaws, especially the ones they try to reflect on to you.
When you expose toxic people to themselves you take away their power, and dominance that they have over your life in which they use to control you. You force them to confront their inner demons which brings to surface their vulnerability. Take back your power and stop claiming their insecurities as your own. People who hate themselves aren’t kind to others. Realize there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are not obligated to fix what is broken in them. Accept that you can’t and that only they can. No matter how much you love them and want to help. this wisdom will start to build confidence and self love and self love encourages you to not accept anything less than you deserve. Thus helping you walk away.
Once you’ve restored your power over your emotions and self esteem allow yourself to want better. Truthfully many of us who fall pray to toxic relationships don’t want better for ourselves because the love we have for that person inspires us to settle. Convinces us That they are worth suffering for.
Our hope is that we can change them, that our tolerance for their behavior will inspire them to love us more and treat us how we deserve when In Reality it teaches them to do the opposite.
When we allow toxic people to remain in our lives we are unconsciously saying “ This is what I think I deserve.” Or “ I’m ok with being treated this way. “ Especially to the Person who is no good for us. Sometimes people take for granted forgiveness and patiences. They abuse it, take it as a sign of weakness and use it to their own selfish advantage. So while you may be choosing to stay for all the right reasons... maybe your partner has abandonment issues and you don’t want to put them through that pain again, or had a ruff childhood and don’t know how to deal with their emotions, aiding their illness isn’t helping them or you.
if you really love them you’ll leave them and force them to change for the better rather than staying and allowing them to stay comfortable in their harmful behavior.
As much as you love this person you have to realize that they don’t love you, that they might not have the capacity to love you how you deserve. That They aren’t going to become better for you if they see you are unwilling to give better to yourself first. Especially if doing that requires leaving them. How you treat yourself sets the example for how other people will treat you.
We have to learn to set boundaries for our self esteem, tolerance and heart. We have to learn that “real” love isn’t about suffering to prove your love for a person but rather having someone who encourages you to have self love and self respect.
Learn to love yourself. This is mostly what your toxic partner wants to hold you back from doing Because the more you don’t love yourself the easier they can consume you with Their toxic behavior. if you have no self love they can abuse you, misuse you and play mind games that trick you into inheriting their blame.
Loving yourself creates a peace with letting go of situations, or people who are not worthy of you. It makes it easier to walk away, it stops toxic relationships from brewing to begin with, it Attracts other emotionally healthy people into your life and builds long lasting relationships that are rooted in kindness and care. .
Start practicing self love, get closer to God,explore your potential, and discover the purpose build for your life.The more and more you develop love and security within yourself the less you’ll settle for anything below who you are. You’ll care about yourself enough to set standards, to love yourself more than you love those who hurt you, to cherish who you are enough to walk away. Self love is the root of true happiness. So fight to take back the self confidence your partner has stolen from you.
My first love who I fell in love with at just Eleven years old came back into my life at eighteen. The history and love we build together often made me feel trapped emotionally in an inescapable draining of myself. I would pour more of myself into him than he would pour into me and the only thank you I would get is a cruel insult, neglect, disinterest and heartache.
From a young age he insulted my body, called me hurtful names like “fat” or a “nobody.” This rejection caused embarrassment of who I was, lead me to feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.
Whenever he would leave me for other women I would convince myself it was my fault for not being thinner or prettier, for not living up To his standard of beauty. It wasn’t until I had a talk with my therapist who told me that he was reflecting his insecurities off on me that I began to realize how much of my self love I had allowed to be sallowed up by him.
What I didn’t realize back then was he was only hurting me to push me away because he didn’t feel that he deserved the pure love I was so willing to give him. That his lust for other women was rooted in his need for validation from multiple people in order to feel confident and desired. That him making me feel like a nobody was only because of the fear he had that we would never be somebody. That he was jealous that I didn’t need certain things to define me, like a lot of friends, education, and relationships which was the foundation of whatever little self love he had.
After years of being emotionally scared by him i finally felt empty enough to let him go. The constant starving for reciprocation and love angered me enough to fight to find better.
I told him that I loved him and that I just wanted both of us to be happy, and if being happy means me letting go to find someone who truly cares about me and him finding someone else who is more capable of enduring his abuse, then that’s what I made sure happened.
Walking away from him was one the bravest things I ever done in my life And till this day the thought of things working out with him like I desperately wanted them to at the time scares me.
who knows what more damage he could have done to my heart, self esteem or even my future. Who knows what amazing guy I would’ve missed out on settling for him.
I thank God that he rejected me, because his rejection protected me from staying in love with a man who strained my mental health.